| i give up |
[28 Dec 2006|02:43am] |
well im posting in here because no one reads this, and i want to get this shit outta my head.
i guess i have to really give up on her now. I remember when we were younger, she would do anything as long as we were doing it together. we could fuckin sit in a room and not say anything for hours and be ok with it. i remember the first time we held hands while we watched a movie. i remember the first time i went over there. i actually remember almost everytime i went over there. and when i thought about her one day and hoped that it wasnt over, and there could still be a chance with us, she came to me and everything was fuckin amazing. we talked almost every day and started to open up to eachother again. and now im sitting here thinking about all this knowing that this can possibly be the last time i think about this with the intentions of an US. I guess i have to give up. I mean there was a quote i read that said
"One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."
I fought as hard as i fuckin could i really did. i pushed and pushed and expressed every ounce of emotion towards her, more so than i have ever before with anyone. But she just didn't respond. Maybe she was scared. Maybe she just doesn't care about me like she did before. Whatever the reason is her heart doesn't want to believe in me i guess. It just really sucks because I really believed that she was just like that. That was just the kind of person she was. She was more closed off and its hard for her to express herself. But its bullshit. If she loved me like I love her, she would fight for us too. And she didn't. Shed rather be with anyone else. Fuck, I think she'd rather be alone. I guess I have to just fuckin give up on us. I don't want to. I want nothing more than for her to call me and tell me shes in love with me and wants me to be there. Whats the chance of that?
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[10 Sep 2006|11:13pm] |
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This is the first time in a long time I am gonna post somethin foreal. Tonight we really talked. We talked about basically how awful of a person I was when I should have shown her how I felt. I always cared about her. I always felt something for her, yet I was too scared of who she was to actually pursue it. I still smell her on my hands. Her eyes are so fuckin amazing. I kept tellin her to look at me and everytime she did, I would get lost in her eyes. In all honesty, Everything about her is amazing to me. She just looked gorgeous from top to bottom. I miss her now, I miss her all the fuckin time. Its fuckin killin me that we aint together, but I completely understand where shes comin from in what she says. Why should she even give me a chance, when all I did was pass up on every chance she gave me. I was one of the few people she actually trusted, and I turned away from her everytime. I never forgot that first kiss. NEVER. I lied to you when I told you I wanted to be just friends. I know now you were always the only one for me.
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| i think i see it |
[30 Nov 2005|01:42am] |
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i been lost in life lately, tryin to decide what the hell i want to do to straighten it up. It's not bad per se, but its just a mess. i see what i want, and i want it more than anything. but i just gotta be patient and do my thing before i even think bout what i want. because without school being done i wont have a chance at all..
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[29 Aug 2005|01:59am] |
Break my heart when you breathe, but not because it hurts
i want to see you happy, but not the way you think
im looking through this hole in the wall at you, even though you kno im there.
you wish it were different, and so do i, but not the way you think
ive seen you grow up and fall apart, and bring it all back together.
i wish i could walk with you through it, but not the way you think
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[08 Jul 2005|01:20am] |
ive always pretty much just wanted to be respected by the people i trusted and cared about most. i never cared bout bein well known by everyone in school and college and all that. i just wanted my people to know me.
3 people wished me happy birthday, and i feel like i dont/didnt exist to the people around me. the people that prided in "knowing me"
i just dont have any faith in my own life. and my future. i just wish there was something i could do.
if u read this, dont respond, if u do ill delete it. this isnt a post to make u feel bad/guilty, i dont want to know who has read this or anything like that.
i just want something to live for
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[05 Jun 2005|03:23am] |
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i cant break this fuckin shit . i keep feelin like i wanna do it again.... fall back into how i was my freshman year in college. i kno it wouldnt be right. people think its stupid, and think im just fakin it.. but they have no idea what i think bout when i drive home from p.r. no one realizes some of the shit i wish i was strong enough to do.. people says its weak..but FUCK i cant even do that. i dunno anymore.. i feel like im floating in this fuckin point in life. i cant change shit..cant help anything...im done.
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[31 May 2005|12:36am] |
i wish i could turn back around again. i just dont understand how i can sit here and look at all the people around me bein happy, and still want to get up 2morrow.
why dont i have anyone/thing to live for. we all have something or someone to live for..God knows i did. I remember wakin up with a smile on my face because of who i saw the night before, or talked to...or FUCK even thought about.. i feel like im an old man, at 21 i aint supposed to feel like that. i aint supposed to be this tired out and weak. yall that have that..needa fuckin treasure it cause when it goes away..u will fall into this pile of shit too.
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[29 May 2005|12:17am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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i must be crazy.
what is wrong with my mind and the choices i make? why do things happen in the perfect order where nothing turns out right. I just want to be happy. I want to be able to understand the things that are in front of me.
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[27 May 2005|11:32pm] |
its weird how things change so fast, an how i cant seem to catch up to the changes. I look at the people around me, and they are movin so much faster, and doin really well. im struggling with every aspect.
i miss her for some reason, i miss her thoughts. I remember we used to know what we were thinkin. we had these little inside jokes or thoughts with eachother and only we knew what we were thinking. she was really happy to see me. i miss the touch of our lips together just before the act of kissing. i miss the idea that i was getting a phone call when i least expected it. complicated, but such a simple idea. i miss expecting the unexpected.
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| Cross-post |
[22 May 2005|02:40am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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Alan Jackson - Drive |
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so this is what it comes down to.
i close my eyes one friday morning and open them 4 years later. everything in my life is the same, people change but i pretend nothing has. its all different but i still go to the same places to see those same people. Treat them the same as i always had, because to me..nothing was changed. but i was the outcast, i was the one that was looked crooked eyed.
i fuckin blinked and everyone disappeared
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| spinnin |
[16 May 2005|01:54am] |
this has been a crazy week i guess
i keep thinkin bout shit that i shouldnt be thinkin bout.. work, school, girls, life everything..i dunno... im graduating in a year, and id like so much to never talk 2 some of the people i talk 2 everyday.
no doubt some of the people i talk to are my best friends..the people i would never stop talkin 2 period..they kno who they are. some of them...id like to strangle..and i hope they know who they are also.
im done its 2 am.. peace
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[29 Apr 2005|01:20am] |
im tired of people that get their kicks outta fuckin with other people. and people that base their life on tryna prove everyone else wrong.. go about ur own godamn life and get offa mine.
P.s. work is gettin more and more fun everyday. I just wish i had a bigger paycheck. so u kno..i could live. but i like where im at right now. im glad i transfered back.
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[24 Apr 2005|02:17pm] |
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i feel like my neck is about to break into 100 pieces
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[19 Apr 2005|09:07pm] |
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i said i will walk along these hillsides summer neath the sunshine i am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me.
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[10 Apr 2005|12:29pm] |
im in my new apartment with just 1 roommate now.
its awesome cause everything in the apartment looks good..no stupid shit all over the place like we are in a fraternity (or 24125412 people live there)
niveus got out of the cage and went under the fridge and went from white to black hahaha.
im pretty content right now with everything, maybe cause of the new apartment... im gettin frustrated with work cause of shit thats goin on there but nothin i cant deal with.. imma bounce peace
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[16 Mar 2005|01:08am] |
i love fake people... i love the fact that people pretend to care, only to prove that they dont give a GODAMN about you. id rather talk to 2 people that are real, than 100 that are fake.. so imma just set back and watch all these "friends" go away.. just like i did before. Cause it aint worth the heartache.
by the way work is gettin more and more fun everyday. i actually go there and like it (mostly)
It seems im fallin apart at the seams.
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| This is Niveus |
[15 Feb 2005|02:07am] |
heres a few pics of my new ferret - Niveus
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| What name do u like? |
[07 Feb 2005|02:07am] |
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Niveus or Yuki?
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[15 Jan 2005|02:19am] |
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friend is a four letter word. end is the only part of the word that i heard.
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[10 Jan 2005|01:47am] |
i been in a good mood since my revilation came. im either gonna be renting a house or getting a new (2 bedroom) apartment. i have to go look around some more tomorrow.. plus i get my headlights either 2morrow or tuesday .
pz
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